When Your Phone Feels Better Than Real Life

My husband and I do this small, seemingly silly thing to help each other out. We're both self-employed, so no built-in systems of reward. No promotions, no annual reviews, no manager stopping by to say good job. So we've had to create that for ourselves.

Whenever either of us has any type of milestone, big or small, we encourage each other to stop and celebrate the win. We have the other one state the accomplishment out loud, say how they felt about it, and say something really positive like "I am awesome, I did a great job," almost like a parent would do for a child. And often we get really silly about it, telling the other one to stretch their hands up in the sky or jump up and down. You did it! You did a great thing!

This is not an ego thing. This is a training in pausing to celebrate the wins.

Because in real life (not in digital life, but in real life) it's not often the norm to stop and celebrate. It's often the norm to accomplish something and move directly onto the next thing. And that's why so many of us are burnt out all the time. We just do something even something seemingly mundane but moves the needle for us, like writing a really complicated email, or sending out a report, and we're just onto the next, onto the next, onto the next.

This is in direct opposition to what apps, social media, games, and TV do constantly. The reason digital media is so addictive is because it hijacks the brain to celebrate every so often. There's a little ding, a reward, an icon, something that gives your brain these dopamine hits over and over. So screens can often become more compelling than our own lived experience, our own present moment reality.

If we want our real life to feel as good as our digital life, we need to create those little hits of reward in our actual lived experience.

One way to do that is through mindfulness, cultivating present moment awareness with a non-judgmental attitude. Really noticing the moment-to-moment experience. And when we're present, we have these opportunities to celebrate and notice the positive things.

A lot of mindfulness is about navigating hardship or difficult emotions. But the other side of mindfulness is being able to be aware during the pleasurable things and actually letting yourself notice and enjoy those moments.

I actually have a harder time letting joy into my life than I do navigating hardship. I can sit with grief and suffering more easily than I can let myself stop and feel genuinely happy. And I think that's the case for a lot of us. In real life, we're almost always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

(There's a cultural layer to this too. As a brown woman, I grew up with this sense that you don't talk too loudly about the good things because then something bad is definitely going to happen. If you know what nazar is, you know exactly what I mean. We stay humble, keep our heads down, and if we've done something great, we're often quiet about it.)

All of this to say: if you find that the digital world feels more compelling than your real life, the answer isn't necessarily to throw your phone out the window. It's to start increasing those moments of reward in your actual lived experience.

That can look like closing your laptop and putting your hands up in the air. Texting a friend what you accomplished today. Asking for a hug and telling someone why. (And if there's no one in your life to do that with right now, email me. I will congratulate you!)

Because being a human being is really hard. You're wearing a lot of hats, holding a lot, doing a lot.

You're doing great. I hope you can take the time to really feel that in your body.

And, if you're so inspired, go celebrate someone else too.

Prefer to listen? Catch the podcast version here.