Lessons from a 4-Day Silent Meditation Retreat
A few weeks ago I went on a meditation retreat, and my experience was so complex that I wanted to share a bit about what it was like, if you should go on one, what to expect, and how they differ from other ‘retreats’ you might be used to seeing.
First of all, popular yoga or wellness retreats at least by Western standards are very different for a number of reasons. They’re typically a place to relax, rejuvenate, practice or take some classes... People may even party or drink, food experiences tend to be included, and they tend to be quite luxurious – often taking place at resorts, tropical getaways, and the like.
Of course, it all depends on who is offering the retreat. But a meditation retreat, especially a silent meditation retreat, will have key differences in a number of ways. Here’s what mine was like.
This retreat was a 4-day silent retreat at IMS (Insight Meditation Society) in Massachusetts, founded by Joseph Goldstein (if you are looking into retreat leaders, I highly recommend IMS for their depth of experience in leading various length retreats with all levels of practitioners).
It was a Vipassana silent meditation retreat. What I mean by silent is this:
No phones
No speaking
No writing
No reading
It is essentially still, seated meditation from 6am to 10pm, plus 3 meal breaks, and maybe some free time to do movement (like yoga or walking meditation around the grounds)
Vipassana: insight, internal seeing, seeing things as they really are, mindfulness
The retreat was a total silencing of all external stimuli… For the purpose of having a deep internal, alone, inward experience (though there is camaraderie in the sense that there are people around you also doing this solo deep-dive). The only exceptions to this silence were set Q+A sessions with the teachers and a few group checkins.
I have done meditation retreats before… some in India, some that lasted weeks. However this was my first Vipassana (insight; silent) style meditation retreat, and turning off the external world completely was very challenging. Some may find this surprising because of course, I have over a decade of experience as a multi-style meditation leader and mindfulness teacher. And I have experience with digital detoxes and limited tech use. However, this still wasn’t enough to truly prepare me for the experience of that total silence. I’m not sure anyone can be fully prepared for that. There is something about physically turning your phone in that creates anxiety, not to mention how it makes you notice how often you have the inclination to use it.
Beyond the phone, other external stimuli were further removed. There was no music/TV/podcasts, no conversations, not even writing by yourself. No external stimuli besides the nature+accommodations existing around you. By stripping away all these things, you begin to not only notice your own habits (and even compulsions), but you begin to notice your internal response to not being able to do them. It’s actually painful.
Then what came next was even harder: the internal monologue, emotions, and thought loops that arise as you experience the silence. Shame. Surprise. Sadness. Anxiety. Impatience. Doubt. Anger.
Here’s arguably the most eye-opening part: what comes after the emotional rollercoaster is the realization that these loops aren’t happening because you’re trying to meditate. These loops are ALWAYS on. Even at home.
They’re always there, underneath the distractions and stimuli we normally have. They’re active in our daily lives – silently running us on autopilot, dictating our words and behavior.
Stripping away all the external stuff, gazing at your own internal habits was required in order to cultivate actual presence: being as opposed to doing. This is the challenge. I have experience doing this for the length of my daily meditations, however doing it for several days in a row was a new experience altogether. And this challenge revealed two things:
How these mind loops, thought patterns, and distraction habits work to pull your consciousness out of the present moment
How finding true presence is what makes presence more accessible in the future
Again - not a new idea to me, knowing that meditation is a practice that becomes easier the more you do it. But doing it to this extreme jars you into noticing how deeply we need this presence, and how short of a time we normally have presence. Even seasoned meditators who dedicate minutes or hours to meditation every day will find new lessons and insight (Vipassana) about themselves on a retreat like this.
Have you been fully present when walking? When eating? To fully be nowhere in your mind except right here, right now? If so, for how long did you feel that presence before an external stimuli or thought pattern derailed it?
Losing Control to Gain It Back
It was scary. It was scary because, suddenly, I lost some control over which emotions I wanted to feel in each moment. Joy arose at times, fear and shame and grief and really difficult emotions arose at other moments. And with only your own thoughts to distract you (for me, this is my analytical mind, trying to fill the space with intellectualizing what I’m thinking and feeling instead of simply feeling it), you eventually allow yourself to feel everything. All the things you don’t want to face, all the hard emotions and processing you may have been putting off, all the scary things you may have filed away as a survival tactic.
It all comes to the surface, there is no running from it; there is only experiencing it. Witnessing it. Feeling true presence. Being.
Shifting from Resistance to Allowance by Applying Compassion
The final transformation happened when I began to add a layer of compassion to the responses I was having:
I spent time acclimating to the newfound silence.
I noticed what thoughts, habits, compulsions, and feelings arose.
I witnessed, resisted, muddled through, and struggled to discover what this presence actually feels like. I cried at times, and then was confused and angry at myself for crying ‘for no reason’.
I analyzed myself and my experience until I realized that analysis was itself a distraction from presence.
(Not without help from the teachers) I remembered to have compassion for myself and what I was experiencing. Layering over the fear, shame, confusion with simple “I see… This is ok to feel… Let me just be with this…”
That’s when the transformation and healing and full presence happened - being with whatever the experience was, without judgment, and living freely with everything coming up.
This is what I mean by ‘cultivating compassion’. It’s discovering what a compassionate response looks like for you - and how to simply sit in the mind and body while it comes.
By applying compassion in order to move from resistance and distraction to allowance… that was freedom. Freedom to feel, to be, to know yourself at a deeper level, to find clarity, to create your own peace.
At the end of the four days, I won’t lie, I was ready to go home. I needed to move, to talk to my friends, to get back into a routine. And while the peace I found while at the retreat dissipated as I got closer back to Brooklyn, there are things you take with you:
The lesson to allow your feelings.
The habit of compassion.
The grown accessibility to true presence.
To conclude… I wouldn’t recommend this experience to everyone. Anyone can do a retreat and benefit from one, but it’s important to be relatively in tune with your mental state going into one. It is extremely overwhelming, and may not be the healthiest processing experience particularly for anyone currently wading through things like a traumatic event or acute grief. Being with others, community, talking is healing in its own ways, not to mention less intensive silence and introspection.
Meditation retreats are challenging, Vipassana silent meditation retreats are extremely challenging. It may not be the best first retreat for everyone considering one. But the great thing about these retreats is that they can become a practice in and of themselves on top of smaller routine moments of meditation (I tend to do 1-4 a year). Just be sure to look into the teacher, practices, approach, and philosophies of the leaders… there are MANY wellness retreats available that are more about “healing while taking Instagram photos with a cocktail on the beach” than they are about true wellbeing and healing.
And, if a full retreat is inaccessible to you for any number of reasons, it’s still helpful to consider what such silence might be like, and practicing that – leaving your phone at home for an hour. Being in silence instead of music while driving. Allowing silence so that you may cultivate and experience more presence.
Because the wisdom that comes with retreats is already inside you - it’s just a matter of cultivating enough presence to access it, dialing down the habitual distractions, and healing through compassion along the way.
Would you be interested in a meditation retreat (silent or not) led by Prerna? If so, drop us a note or DM us on Instagram!
————————————-
Other things to consider if you’re interested in a meditation retreat:
You may not have a private room, but dorm style accommodations
The meal offerings may be limited; think about snacks or special things like coffee you may want to bring, and make sure such is allowed or encouraged
If the phone rules are strict, this may be difficult for people with children or events at home to be concerned about; look into if this is optional and weigh the pros/cons
Consider physical accommodations - what are the options for avoiding physical pain that might come from sitting on the floor?
Coming back to your phone and the real world at the end is jarring and difficult. Buffer in time for yourself to re-acclimate to ‘the real world’ (work, responsibilities, external stimuli)