“Be Yourself”: Breaking Down Society’s Glaring Cognitive Dissonance
At every age throughout our lives and by various authority figures (parents, teachers, industries), we are told to “be ourselves.”
And then… We enter the world as adults and are sold basically 1 acceptable life path and 1 billion products that can help us be like everyone else or meet some unattainable standard.
So what the heck does it even mean to “be ourselves” in a world that consistently tells us we aren’t enough? Or that there’s actually one right way to be?
How do you “just do you” when it seems like everyone and everything is asking for your continual self-improvement?
“Be yourself” is simply contradictory in our day and age. Or, at the very least, far too simple to be helpful when we live in a complex time.
We live in a world that simultaneously tells us to be authentic AND promotes messaging that we aren’t enough. We’re not eating right, sleeping right, working out right. We need to buy XYZ product to really be happy in life. We need to continuously be improving ourselves…
It seems like you can only be yourself once you’ve acquired mastery, have your habits under control, have no indulgences, and follow a strict schedule that includes deep focused work and luxurious time to rest.
So what about the rest of us? Are we inherently flawed?
Those of us who procrastinate. Who start books but don’t finish them. Who might be a little messy and are occasionally late to things. (Spoiler: this is all of us, whether we admit it or not.) What about us? Are these traits character flaws? Why don’t we feel like we are allowed to be ourselves? Why does it feel we should be ashamed of who we truly are? Is there actually something ‘wrong’ with the way we are?
The short answer is NO: there’s not something wrong with you. All our habits have reasons. Some are healthier than others, but all had an original purpose that made life more livable at one point in time and based on the role models and resources we had.
The compulsion (or pressure) to always be trying to be your best self or to just continually try and be better is a noble one, but it has its dark side. It can make you feel like what you are right now in this moment is not enough.
“You are not a constant self-improvement project.”
A dear friend recently texted me this and I sat staring at my phone for far too long as it sank in.
Yes, it’s important to take care of yourself and your needs, to reassess your habits and behaviors and question what is serving you and what is not. But this can be done with mindfulness – which means presence and acceptance, NOT judgment, comparison, and shame.
Q: So, what’s the first step to cultivating mindfulness and presence when looking at “who we are” and a potential “improvement”? (Read: improvement should be something that brings you more joy, ease, or purpose, not something that someone said you need.)
A: Letting go of judgment is the first step to “being yourself.” We technically always *are* ourselves, even if we put on masks and pretend. There’s no other way to BE. So the real advice we need to hear, instead of “be yourself”, is this: accept yourself in this moment as you are.
You are enough right now in this moment. AND you can probably be more.
Both of those things can be true at the same time. And just because more is possible it doesn’t mean you ought to deprive yourself of the full experience of THIS present moment.
What would letting go look like? If for one day it was okay to be a little messy, or slow, or overly talkative, or whatever you feel your “flaw” is? Chances are it’s what people find endearing or even love about you. Trust yourself to make wholesome improvements without the need for shame or punishment as part of the process.
There is not one way to be.
Even though our culture promotes productivity and optimization - we are not machines. Having traits that don’t fit into these categories doesn’t make you less than, it makes you you. And that’s perfect.